Thursday, September 8, 2011

What is Wrong With People? I'm Gonna Tell You.

Do you ever wonder what is wrong with people?  Sure you do!  If you don't, you're either one of them or you're one of those people who always tries to appear kind, warm and fuzzy and I hate those people, too.  Well, I'm gonna tell you what is wrong with people.  Sit down and hold on tight.  

Experts. Yep, experts. People who write books about raising children.  They are "what's wrong with people."  Them, and the people who read the books and follow the guidance set forth therein.  Yep, get rid of the "experts" and the sheep... I mean followers... and the world will right itself again. Well, at least the U.S. would right itself, but there would still be those issues in the middle east and starvation in third world countries, but I'm not solving those problems today. And, frankly, the entire U.S. wouldn't be righted.  We would still have to deal with politicians and people selling things over the phone but calling themselves "market researchers", but those are other posts for other days.  Anyway...

Have you ever read one of those parenting books or researched how to fix your kid?  Sure you have.  If you haven't, you're one of those experts or one of those people who think your kids are perfect.  If the latter, I've got news for you.  They're not; they're annoying and so are you.  

Let's look at some of the sage advice from these so-called experts.  

I've got a biter.  I've researched solutions.  Some of the sage advice has included handing the child an apple when he bites his brother and telling the kid, "We don't bite people. We bite food.  Here is an apple."  Sounds great, doesn't it?  Well, not really, but for our situation let's say it does.  So I try it.  Does it stop the biting?  No, of course not.  My kid now bites someone, or the dogs, and then asks for an apple. If you wanted me to stop writing this ranting blog, would you hand me a glass of wine and tell me, "We don't rant. We drink to cover our rage."  No!  Would I quit writing?  No, of course not.  I would continue to write and then ask for a glass of wine... like I always do.  

One of my very favorites is about how to deal with a "strong-willed child."  That's what we have to call them now days so as not to hurt their self-esteem.  I say we call it like it is.  It would be "How to handle Satan."  The "experts" suggest spending 10 minutes playing with your child one-on-one, twice per day for 7 days.  During this 10 minutes, you must let your child direct the play, you should mirror the child's actions and not give any instruction or ask any questions.  And, the biggee - you may not correct your child during this 10 minutes.  Have you ever spent 10 minutes alone with Satan, mirroring his actions and not asking any questions?  It's really quite interesting.  During that time we hit the dogs, banged on the window with a hammer, jumped off the back of the sofa and tried to disassemble the CD player which was playing relaxing music until said disassembling began.  What is the point of this exercise you may ask.  If your Satan, I mean strong-willed child, thinks that you are interested in what he does, he won't feel controlled and will begin to take your direction more easily.  HA!  What my Satan learned is that for 20 minutes per day, he gets to wreak havoc on our home without repercussions. 

There's always the "time away" solution in which the child gets to sit in a comfy chair in the same room as you and practice meditation and deep breathing. Yeah, that works, too - especially with a 2 year old.  I have found that it is I who likes sitting in the comfy chair in a room far, far away with a glass of wine or bottle of vodka (it depends on my mood). It's a better solution.  I don't have to see the mischief and even if I do, with the right wine/vodka I don't really care. 

So, back to the original question.  What is wrong with people?  The problem is that we follow the sage advice of these so-called experts.  I don't think these experts have children.  If they did, they would know these things don't work.  Maybe they do know and they don't care because they are making money from the sales of the books.  If that's true it doesn't change anything; they are still the source of the problem.  Well, them and the lemmings who follow them.  We wind up raising entitled demons who don't understand authority, can't take "no" for an answer and have psyches so fragile that the slightest criticism sends them into a downward spiral of drugs, alcohol and depression.   Meanwhile, the rest of us get sideways glances when we are screaming like banshees when Satan tries to rip all the pages out of the books at Barnes & Noble during story time or we grab Satan's hand away when he pushes down another kid and tries to steal the fruit chewies.  By the way, what is a banshee and does it really scream? 

So, go ahead and give me "the look," shake your head in shame and pray for my soul if you must but I'm not going to be one of "those people."  I'm not going to join the ranks and be "the problem."  And, lest you think I think otherwise, I know I am not the solution either.  Don't forget, I'm the mother of Satan and Lucifer.  

I miss my days at the office.  I didn't have to worry about "time away."  I called it vacation.  I didn't have to deal with biting.  (Maybe a little back stabbing but no physical violence.)  I didn't have to wipe butts and noses all day long and smile into the face of the woman giving me "the look" because Satan just spit his ham sandwich across the restaurant and I threatened to beat him with said sandwich if he did it again.  I miss wearing heels. I can't believe my life!


  1. Oh Sandi, I love you! You are truly a talented and witty writer, and now a frustrated stay-at-home mom. But know that you are in good company. There are many of us that commiserate with your situation but aren't witty (or disciplined) enough to share it in such an amusing way. I understand your plight but have no real words of wisdom for you, sorry. I have found that what works for one child will usually not work for another child and then you are back to square one - again. But - aren't they angelic when they are asleep?

  2. I recommend your blog to all new, or plan to be mothers. Sarcasm is the things we've all wanted to say or do, but would never admit out loud. When does your book come out?